Ask Me Anything: Q&A (Part 2)

with Jessi Fellatio, Private Eye

Q: Jessi, what do you do when you have two people texting you at once and both expect immediate replies?
A: I reply to whichever one is less dramatic. Natural selection but for my sanity.

Q: What’s your top beauty tip?
A: Sunscreen. Water. And never pick a fight with someone whose eyeliner wings match. That woman has already conquered chaos.

Q: What’s your biggest red flag in a person?
A: Anyone who says, “I’m just brutally honest.” No, sweetie — you’re rude with a slogan.

Q: What’s the fastest way to get your attention?
A: Cash. A mystery. Or someone whispering “Don’t look behind you…”
(Spoiler: I always look.)

Q: How do you stay so confident?
A: Confidence? Baby, that’s caffeine duct-taped to denial. Works every time.

Q: Ever had a crush on a suspect?
A: Have you ever tried interrogating someone built like a Greek statue dipped in sin?
Case closed — thighs open. Next question.

Q: Best advice for dealing with haters?
A: Block, moisturize, and move on. Dry skin and drama travel in pairs.

Q: Are you single?
A: Emotionally? Spiritually? Logistically?
I’m selectively available like a limited-edition perfume — you only get me if you’re lucky and not annoying.

Q: What’s your biggest turn-on?
A: Good grammar, strong arms, and someone who knows how to listen.
Bonus points if they can keep eye contact and their hands to themselves — at first.

Q: What’s something you refuse to apologize for?
A: My attitude before coffee. And after coffee. Look — I’m consistent.

Q: What’s the most chaotic thing you’ve done on a case?
A: Ever broken into the wrong apartment, realized the guy was cute, and still got the info you needed?
I have. Twice.

Q: How do you deal with heartbreak?
A: I cry for exactly 12 minutes, put on lipstick, and go solve someone else’s problems.
It’s cheaper than therapy and pays better.

Q: What’s your love language?
A: Touch, sarcasm, and solving your mysteries before you even ask.

Q: Do you believe in soulmates?
A: Sure. But I also believe soulmates don’t always have to sleep in your bed — sometimes they buy you tacos and leave you alone.

Q: What’s the best way to flirt with you?
A: Compliment my brain, not my boobs. Unless my boobs look amazing that day — then say both.

Q: What’s your absolute dealbreaker?
A: Anyone who chews loudly, lies badly, or thinks “Netflix and chill” is a personality.

Q: Have you ever been in love?
A: Once. Maybe twice. Definitely three times. What? I’m dramatic, not dead.

Q: What’s something people assume about you that’s completely wrong?
A: That I’m fearless. Honey, I’m terrified of commitment, spiders, and running out of snacks during a stakeout.

Q: What’s the best compliment someone can give you?
A: “You make me feel safe and terrified at the same time.”
That’s the sweet spot.

Q: Final advice for the day?
A: Drink water. Mind your business. And don’t let anyone with bad vibes or bad credit stress you out.