Ask Me Anything: Q&A (Part 3)
with Jessi Fellatio, Private Eye

Q: Jessi, what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
A: The one where he said, “I don’t usually date strong women.” And I said, “Don’t worry, you still haven’t.”

Q: What’s your go-to drink?
A: Something strong, expensive, and capable of helping me forget the last man who wasted my time.

Q: Do you snore?
A: I don’t snore — I purr aggressively.

Q: What’s the wildest thing you’ve overheard while working a case?
A: “It’s not cheating if the lights are off.” Fun fact: it was definitely cheating — and the lights weren’t off.

Q: If someone wanted to impress you, what should they do?
A: Be honest, be funny, and for the love of everything holy — smell good.

Q: How do you feel about cuddling?
A: I love it… until I get hot. Then get off me before I suffocate and become a ghost with unresolved cuddle trauma.

Q: What’s something you secretly love?
A: When someone texts “Let me know when you get home safe.” Bonus points if they mean it and aren’t just trying to slide into my sheets later.

Q: What’s your biggest ick?
A: Grown adults who say “lol” out loud.

Q: Are you into bad boys?
A: I like men who look like trouble but behave like gentlemen. Not the ones who behave like trouble and look like disappointment.

Q: Ever dated another detective?
A: Once. Chemistry was amazing. Casework was great. The breakup paperwork? Horrific. 0/10. Do not recommend.

Q: What’s the one thing you want people to know about you?
A: I look chaotic, but everything I do is intentional — especially when it comes to protecting the people I care about.

Q: What’s your biggest guilty pleasure?
A: Stalking my exes online just to make sure I’m still hotter than whoever they’re dating now. (Spoiler: I always am.)

Q: What’s your dream date?
A: Good food, good conversation, and someone who doesn’t talk with their mouth full like a toddler at a picnic.

Q: What’s the strangest clue you’ve ever found?
A: A love letter written on a napkin… in glitter pen… addressed to the wrong person. Messy. Entertaining. Useful.

Q: What’s your favorite compliment?
A: “You’re scary, but in a sexy way.” I thrive on that.

Q: What’s something you refuse to tolerate?
A: Liars, loud chewers, and grown adults who still say “my bad” when they ruin everything.

Q: Are you a morning person?
A: Absolutely not. If you talk to me before coffee, whatever happens is legally your fault.

Q: What’s your biggest fear?
A: Falling in love with someone who doesn’t know how to load a dishwasher properly.

Q: What’s something people always get wrong about you?
A: They think I’m high-maintenance. Honey, I am low-maintenance — as long as you do everything right.

Q: Final advice?
A: Don’t text your ex. Don’t stalk your crush. And don’t trust anyone who keeps their phone face-down. You’re welcome.